I recently re-listened to an album I loved many years ago and I heard lyrics that reminded me it’s not over. The opening verse of the song says “I believe in the rest of the story, I believe there’s still ink in the pen…I believe it’s the human condition, we all need to have answers to why, more than ever, I’m ready to say that I will still sleep peacefully with answers out of reach for me”. 

So true for me. I have searched for answers and grasped at straws trying to figure out what happened. Where did it start? When did the lying start? What was really going on? I want the truth, and I keep trying to get it or find it and then I end up created some sort of version of it based on conjecture. I finally reached the end of myself a few weeks ago, and said something profound in counseling. I just asked “When will I stop trying to get something from JD that he will never give me?” Basically, I have to give up the drive to find the truth and the reason in it all. It’s there, and I don’t know it, and I don’t know who knows it, apart from God. 

But the thing is, it’s not over. One day, I will know fully what happened and what went wrong. One day, even if it’s not until I reach heaven, I will fully see what happened and what God did with all of it. And, until that day comes, I will rest in Christ. I will find peace in the Lord, who is not finished yet, and who fully understands my longing to know the details and the why of it all. 

I cannot change what happened way back when. I cannot go back and find hints and clues and dig for truth forever or I will go crazy. I have done that and I am finished. What I can do is what I am doing. I can look at my marriage and look at the things I let happen and the things I did. I can address my anxiety around standing up for myself, I can reconcile myself to the fact that I messed up, that I was manipulated, that I manipulated, and I can grow. 

Because there is still ink in the pen. It’s not over for me. God is still working and I can trust Him even though I don’t know the answers right now. One day I will, and that’s good enough for me. 

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there’s still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it’s the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I’m ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can’t help but wander
And dream about the other side of…

Every puzzle’s missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday.

Someday-Nichole Nordeman

So, 2012 was tough. 2012 was adventurous.  2012 was challenging. 2012 was heart wrenching. 2012 was scary. 2012 held lots of redemption. 2012 brought new friends. 2012 brought a new job. 2012 brought an end to my marriage and the beginning of a new life. One I didn’t ask for, but am now glad is here. 

And now, 2012 is over. 

And I was thinking today about what I feel like will happen in 2013. And more than ever before, I feel like there is hope for the return of joy and laughter. I have had many moments this past year where I felt like I would never be okay again. Not in a “life is over” kind of way, but just a feeling of overwhelming loneliness and wondering if this is it. Will I ever get married or have kids? Will I ever fit in with my friends or will I always feel like a charity case? Will I ever have fun again or feel carefree? 

And, I feel like the answer is yes. Yes, I will have fun and enjoy life. In the past month, I have had three separate get-togethers with my friends, and each one brought a new discovery and a hope of the return of “me”. The most memorable moment was at a friend and her husband’s graduation/birthday party. We played a game, and I laughed. My real laugh. The one that comes from my gut and is loud. And I was taken aback because I hadn’t heard that laugh in a long time. Last night, I sat with my friends and played games. Last night, I met new people and enjoyed spending time with the ones I already knew. Last night, I danced and talked and laughed and played.  Last night, I had fun. 

Last night, I remembered who God made me to be. I was silly and honest and vulnerable and safe. I was myself, not the shell of a person who has been surviving the trauma of recent years. So, I have a feeling 2013 is going to be good. Not because I will be happy, but because God is good and no matter what happens this year, He knows what going to happen, and He is healing me. He is the Healer and Binder of Wounds. I just didn’t quite get what He was doing when He broke me, and I still don’t get the binding up process, but it has brought unexpected joy. And I am confident that His joy will be my joy and it will grow in 2013. 

So, here are my resolutions for 2013.

1. Get a library card. I don’t have one for Denton and I need one.

2. Run a marathon (most likely the Big D in April)

3. Go on a date. (Anybody have Ryan Gosling’s number?)

4. Eat a hamburger. 

5. Do something different with my hair.

6. Cuss less. 

7. Memorize at least ten Bible verses. 

8. Go to Karaoke more. And by more, I mean at least five times. 

I am excited for the years to come, and am confident, more than ever before, the God has not forgotten me in this mess. He hasn’t left me here, He has pulled me out. He is working. Happy New Year!