Sunday, 13 December 2009

• We leave in a little over a month. I end my job at a place I truly enjoy and say goodbye to the children I love this friday. Today I decorated Christmas cookies with a friend who turns eleven this year, and I remember when he was three. We have no Christmas decorations and are selling all of our wedding presents.

  I am at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know what I need to do, what I want my goodbyes to look like. I am in a place of grief today. Grief over this life here. Grief over a life I thought I wanted but don't have, and still sometimes think I want. So, I just have that feeling in my chest. You know the one, where things aren't right, and you just feel anxious and overwhelmed and hurting. I hate the hurting. I hate that I need to just sit in it and not numb it out with food or exercise or shopping or reading or whatever. I hate that all I want to do is numb out and go to sleep.

  So what do I do? Do I say goodbye, start grieving now, feel sad for a month, on and off, and move? Or do I just pretend it's not happening, get mad when others have emotions about it, and freak out once we move? I am already in a panic about it. God help me. Lord, give me peace to make it through. I know you won't abandon me to my heartache, help me in my unbelief. Lord, I know that where I am is where You have planned for me to be. Again I beg, help me in my unbelief.

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