Monday, 08 March 2010

• It's one of those days. A day where I spent time sobbing in a public place, just so I could get an internet signal. A day where I pray and wish and hope that God would heal my anxiety and I could be free from the burden of medicine. A day where I think "What was I thinking moving here?", and "Why did God ask me to move to another country, was loving kids in Texas not enough?". A day where I want a hug from my mom and dad and I want to sit in a place where I am at home and where people speak a language I fully understand. As I was sitting here sobbing, I was thinking about how Jesus came to earth and He didn't have to. He chose to came here and He knows what I am feeling. He was really far away from home, in a place where the people who loved Him didn't really get Him and a lot of people just hated His guts. He knows what it is like to be stared at when you walk down the street. He knows what it is like to want a hug from dad.
  
  I knew that days like this would come, just like He knew what was ahead. And still, He chose to obey. Even to death. And God has not asked me to die for anyone else, just to die to myself so that He would be made known. I wish that made it easier. Jesus could have just gone back to heaven and said "Screw it, it's too hard", just like I could just get on an airplane and come home and say "Well, it just didn't work out". But He didn't, and He hasn't told me to throw in the towel yet. I wish it made these days easier. It doesn't make my heart any less heavy or my tears any less painful, but at least I know there is a purpose. I know that I can rest in Him, knowing fully that He asked us to come here, and we obeyed, and is not surprised that I am crying in the Uniplaza. Nor is He surprised that we just met two Americans who have lived here for thirteen years, and realized that even when I feel like it is a lost cause, He is not finished with us yet.
  
  So I am trying to think of His blessings. He has blessed us with a home and a Honduran family to feed us and love us. He has given me a husband who just lets me cry in public and is totally okay with it, not ashamed of his crazy wife who just can't keep it together all the time. He blessed me with kids who like to see me and give me a hug, even though I spend a lot of time yelling in class. He has blessed me with knowing that He has planned everything that has come so far and that all that will come ahead, He already holds in His hands. So, I hold on to that. To His promise that He has planned my days and knows what He is doing. The constant in all of my craziness is that He is faithful, and I am thankful that I have a beautiful husband who reminded me of that today. God is good. He holds us.

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