We leave in a little over a month. I end my job at a place I truly enjoy and say goodbye to the children I love this friday. Today I decorated Christmas cookies with a friend who turns eleven this year, and I remember when he was three. We have no Christmas decorations and are selling all of our wedding presents.

I am at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to say goodbye. I don't know what I need to do, what I want my goodbyes to look like. I am in a place of grief today. Grief over this life here. Grief over a life I thought I wanted but don't have, and still sometimes think I want. So, I just have that feeling in my chest. You know the one, where things aren't right, and you just feel anxious and overwhelmed and hurting. I hate the hurting. I hate that I need to just sit in it and not numb it out with food or exercise or shopping or reading or whatever. I hate that all I want to do is numb out and go to sleep.

So what do I do? Do I say goodbye, start grieving now, feel sad for a month, on and off, and move? Or do I just pretend it's not happening, get mad when others have emotions about it, and freak out once we move? I am already in a panic about it. God help me. Lord, give me peace to make it through. I know you won't abandon me to my heartache, help me in my unbelief. Lord, I know that where I am is where You have planned for me to be. Again I beg, help me in my unbelief.

      We traveled to Honduras last week and were met with some answered prayers. We spent the first few days looking at schools, looking at houses, visiting old friends, and trying to understand what was going on using our limited Spanish. We also visited church, visited bible study, went to children's church, and attended a soccer game. It seemed like a long trip because things move slowly there, as it is a very calm, slow paced culture. 

      We found a house we like, three bedroom, two bath, garage, large courtyard. It will be about $210 a month, and about $40 for electricity and water. We did not pay a deposit because we will still look. It was a great house, but not ideal for a dog. We need a little yard, or grass at least. Because the school year goes from February through November,  houses will come up for rent pretty soon, and our friends are going to continue to look for us. In the meantime, we can stay in an apartment above our friend (and the pastor of the church we will attend) Arturo's house. We will also need to buy a car. We were initially going to ship our car, but found out recently that it can be a terrible, super expensive endeavor. Our friend Jim has a friend who buys cars in Miami and ships them to Honduras. We can get a used SUV there, using money from selling our cars here.

      The biggest news of all is that we will have jobs! I was offered a teaching position at two christian schools, and JD was offered the chaplain job at one of those schools. We have an offer from one school for a relatively good paycheck (we will still need support) and airline tickets to America at the end of each school year for both of us.We are calling them on Monday night to discuss further what this would entail.  The other school has not cemented their offer. Please pray for wisdom as we decide what school to choose.

      Besides working in a school, we will have other endeavors in the city. We will work with a school for street kids, possibly teaching English there. We will also be working with the youth of the church. This group ranges from age 13 until they are married. We will also minister to the people who inhabit the cities trash dump, bringing food and clothes to them on a regular basis. There are many different opportunities to minister in Danli, and all of our plans are subject to change. Most things are subject to that.

It appears as if we will be moving sometime in January or early February. Please continue to pray for us as this time draws near.

Well, good news on the Honduras front. Our friend Jim has a soccer team he has coached, and they are in the semi-finals for all of Honduras. Yay for them!! Also, it seems as though most of the uprising is over, and as far as war is concerned, it seems not so likely. Mostly the "issues" will only be political. The outside world has begun to see that the only people really causing problems are supporters of the ousted president. That guy just needs to give up, but, dictators rarely think rationally.

We were unable to visit in July, as planned, due to turmoil. However, as it has calmed down considerably, we may be able to go on August 7th. I am praying that we can go, because we have not seen our friends in a while, and my mom may be going with us. I was really sad that we couldn't go last month, because my little sister was going to go. She can't go in August because she will be moving to Oklahoma for her freshman year of college.

We are hopeful for our move, and hopeful that we will be able to move by late fall. We are praying we can visit in a few weeks.

I have been so dang busy this past month! To start with, school has been super busy. Since it is summer, more kids are coming and attendance is up. We now have four children with autism in our class, and are up to about eleven each day. That is almost twice what we had last semester. Luckily we have this week off. I also began teaching swimming lessons on Friday mornings, so I have things each day. Lots of things are going on in our house as well, as we are going to Dave Ramsey's financial peace class. Living out of an envelope is a nice thing. It really helps curb my spending in the area of clothes and trips to QT. We will be purchasing a video camera this week to take with us to Honduras. We are excited to show all of you our friends and our new home as soon as we get back!

We leave in about twelve days for Honduras, so I will spend this next week packing up things to move and clothes for the week. I will also be going through all of my clothes to figure out what I want to sell. I will also be taking pictures of all of the things we are selling and posting them on here. It is a busy time for us and I feel like it is just going to get worse as our departure gets closer. We need about $15,000 before we can leave permanently, so when the Lord provides that for us, we are off. It will be as early as September and as late as January. Man, busy busy days. 

Warning, long post with me complaining ahead...

So, feeling discouraged at the moment. Really this week has been quite trying. Monday, I had a panic attack on the way home from work. It came out of nowhere, and, although it was mild, it was still a struggle. Jd and I called a good friend, who gave us some things he does when he feels panic coming on. What a gift it is to swallow your pride and reach out when you need help. Needless to say, when you are having times of panic and anxiety, sleep is fitful. I awoke on Tuesday, feeling buzzed, feeling very alert yet out of it.

At work on Tuesday, my boss, who is absent from our classroom about 85% of the time, told me that my tone the last few weeks has been negative and to watch it. It would have been nice if she would have acted professionally and pulled me aside, but instead she told me this in front of my students and the other teachers. This was a mere forty five minutes after I said "Bobby, you are such a handful. I wonder how your mom does it". To which my boss replied "You need to watch what you say in front of the children". Anyone who heard me knew I was joking, even the kid, but apparently, calling someone a handful is highly offensive. So, here I am feeling angry and being shamed like a child by my boss, who oddly enough sits behind her desk all day, and hardly even visits the room she is supposed to coordinate. Sometimes it is hard to maintain a neutral tone when your hair gets pulled 5 times a day (no exaggeration). I never speak rudely to the children, and it is my fault that sometimes my tone expresses my exhaustion a little more than I would like. However, sometimes I am downtrodden. My job is very stressful, I am watched the entire time I am at work and at any moment if I am not doing something perfectly, or if I even am about to do it and haven't yet, someone reminds me. How fun it is to be followed around all day and reminded of all the things you do wrong. As if I don't struggle with shame enough.

I mean, imagine it. I run a zone, I have 15 minutes. I can have up to 5 children in my zone at any given time, I must reinforce them and give them positive feedback three times each. I must also complete the goal of the zone (i.e. the lesson/activity), take date. So, it is pretty hectic. Then bring in a child with autism, who must be reinforced even more, and who has their own goal to reach during the zone. Then, heaven forbid, someone has a fit or meltdown, so I have to handle that, while getting my hair pulled or whatever, I still need to be teaching the other children, and keeping my voice positive and neutral. And then, if anything doesn't happen fast enough, I will hear about it. Maybe not at the moment, but most likely at the moment, with some ridiculously long explanation as to why. My favorite is when I am already doing something, and I get chided because I am not doing it, or really because they didn't see me do it and want to be the queen of the world.

So today was even worse. Within the first hour or so of school, I got called out twice. Once for something I already did ( I was supposed to identify a reinforcer for a child, before I walked him to the bathroom, and I had one in my hand as I was told to get a reinforcer, and even after I held it up for her to see, she proceeded to explain to me about reinforcers), and another time for something I was doing at the moment. I was supposed to be shadowing someone, and while that someone was going to the bathroom, I helped another child with autism get their picture so they could go to another zone. Heaven forbid the actual lead teacher do her job.  Anyway, that is when the lead teacher reminded that I need to shadow this child the whole time, while I was standing two feet away from him watching him go poop. Really? And then, one of my checklists was being gone over when I was reminded again that I use a mean...er...stern tone sometimes with the kids. This is what I said to a child "I am not sure what you are looking at, but we are supposed to be reading". Maybe not my best moment in teaching, but really, you needed to write it down? And, I already got the "tone" talk the day before.

This leads up to the best thing ever. If you know me you know this, I struggle with being on time. I have struggled with this at work. We are considered late if we arrive after 8:08. Because we clock in, if we get there at 8:09, it counts against us. Anyway, since I was tardy a few times this month, I got some of my shifts taken away. Yep.

So, this on top of the fact that I don't get paid well at all, especially now that we got a pay cut, and moral is really high for me at work. I just feel like I can't do anything right. It's a beat down that I get followed around and told what I am doing wrong. It's also a beat down to be reminded of the things I already know and the things I am about to do. I feel like I am in Office Space and I just keep getting reminders about my TPS reports, except I did mine right. I just want to yell "I AM NOT STUPID!" All the time. I am not stupid, I may not be perfect, but I know most of the things I am supposed to be doing, and one reminder is good enough.

Jesus, give me a heart to love these people like You love me. Thank you that I know You and that I have more things in life to live for than my job. Thank you that my worth comes from the cross and not from checklists at work and being the best. Please remind me that you say to love my enemies, even if that means just the irritating ones, not the ones who want to hurt me. Jesus, I need your grace and mercy.