August 10, 2011
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Dear Brain Tumor…
Dear Brain Tumor,
I hate you. You are ruining my life. I remember when I did not know you existed, and I thought my worst problem was being a crazy eating-disorder girl. It was only three weeks ago, I learned of you, yet it seems like you have always been there. I remember when I found out about you, and to this day still wish I could have had a few more hours of not knowing. Because of you, I wake everyday to realize I live in a nightmare where I am 27 years old and my husband may die soon. Because of you, I panic when someone calls because it might be a doctor telling us a scan has gone missing or that surgery is cancelled. Because of you, I am discussing a living will and funeral plans with my 30 year old husband. Because of you, he cannot sleep at night, has migraines during the day, and experiences a constant cold feeling in his head.
So, to say I am angry at you would be a gross understatement. But it is you I am angry at. I wish I could say that life will get better one day, or that things will turn around, but I just don’t know anything right now. Because of you, brain tumor, I cannot plan anything. YOU ARE RUINING MY PLANS! This is not how it was supposed to be in my head. In my plans.
But, brain tumor. you cannot take away God. Because while you ransack my heart and terrify me, He holds me. He is faithful, He is working, even if the waiting is making me super pissed off. Even if I cry, scream, and throw my phone. He still holds me, and the great thing is that He is bigger than you, tumor. So, He will heal Jd. Eventually, brain tumor, you will go away, in some way or another. Because He was here before this tumor began, He was not surprised by you, and He will be here after you leave.
So, please leave brain tumor. You have scared us enough and we are ready for you to be gone. But know, that even if you never leave, I will still love God and trust in His goodness.
Sincerely,
Kacy-the super pissed off one who sleeps next to the guy whose head you live in.
Comments (1)
love you kacy. i love how raw and real you are and i love how your sense of humor comes out even in lifes hardest circumstances. but more than that,i love how your faith shines through and does not waver. i love your confidence in the lord and how your life is proven to be built on the rock. dj and i dont see you nearly as much as we want to, but you better know we are here for you and would do anything in a second! lean on us however you want. if you need a night away to yourselves, come stay at our place and we’ll go elsewhere. or, if you want to have a sleepover, we’ll do that too. whatever you need, just ask. love you much much.