August 3, 2010

• One thing I have never done is hide my feelings. (okay, maybe not never, but since beginning recovery for anorexia/bulimia, so the past almost ten years).  I don’t really tell people what they want to hear, I tell them the truth. And, so, on this blog, you will hear the truth of missionary life. And, I know that some people will think we don’t love God enough because we struggle, or that we are miserable here. Neither of those things are true. We love God, and by His grace we love Him in spite of our struggles. And we are not miserable here, just sometimes Texas sounds nice. Are you miserable on earth? But sometimes, Heaven sounds nice, right? Same kind of thing. So, if you read this blog, you will read some truth. You will read honestly what our lives are like. I just thought I would preface this blog with that, because sometimes things need a preface so we can know what we are getting into.

  Well, today was a testy day for me. I have been quite moody the last two or three days, and this morning it was not good. I was in the middle of my daily Tae-bo session, and Jd came in to ask me about his hair. Let me preface this by saying Jd cut all his hair off yesterday and now it is back to looking like it did when we got married, and I am quite pleased. Anyway, it seems in those three years, he has forgotten how to fix his hair. So, he comes out with this faux-hawk thing, and I say he just needs to “muss” it up. I showed him how to do it last night. While he comes out and asks me, in the middle of a round-house kick, I get super annoyed. I am thinking “Crap, Jd, how old are you that I need to fix your hair?!?!” So, this pissed me off, who knows why. And then, about ten minutes later, he says, it’s almost time to go, and I said “I know what time it is, and I am still going to exercise”. And then, I got in the shower, thinking to myself “How the crap can I manage to get the heck out of Honduras? Maybe if someone dies, or maybe if I get a bad disease only US doctors can treat, or, even better, maybe the Honduran government will decide they don’t want us and make us leave!” I know, awful. 

  It’s hard to be a missionary. There are times when it is super fun to live in a foreign place, I won’t deny that. I also won’t deny that it is hard. Sometimes I just want my old life back, but this is my life now. It is the life God has called me to, and I don’t remember Him ever saying in the Bible that every time we obey Him it is going to be super fun. I think He said something along the lines of “Pick up your cross and follow me.”, and crosses aren’t fun. They are heavy, but He is our helper in all of our times of distress, and as I sit here thinking about this, I remember that I do love Honduras. Sometimes, I don’t like it, but for some reason, God has placed an ache in my heart for this place. 

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