September 7, 2010
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It’s no secret that I constantly dump on myself. Well, actually, to some people it probably is. I walk around constantly feeling guilty. I am not good enough as a wife, I am not a good enough teacher, I should have done that better, I think things I make are awful. I am a perfectionist, and I am my own worst critic. Since moving to Honduras, this phenomenon has not lessened, but has increased significantly. Everyday I am not out saving street children or giving away all of my belongings, I tell myself I suck as a missionary. There are times when I don’t feel good and I can’t/don’t want to go to church/youth/an event, and I hear it…the voice telling me “You are a horrible missionary and nothing you do matters”.
It’s a beat down, to say the least. I know there are things I really need to do, like read my Bible more often, but sometimes I struggle to know when the voice I hear is a prompting to get me out of myself, and when it is a guilt trip. It all sounds the same to me. I don’t want to read my Bible because of guilt, I don’t want to reach out and help others because I feel like a “Bad Missionary”, I want to do these things out of obedience and love for God.
I have struggled with this for many years, as in my whole life. I have always felt responsible, guilty, and not good enough. I have also always been very sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. This may be what I wrestle with my whole life, but I pray that I am delivered from this.
So, I share this because I want people to know who we are and what we struggle with, even though I would rather share funny stories and things like that. This is what I feel right now, and as down as it sounds, I know that Christ is in this struggle, and so I have peace about it.
In other news, last night we had fish for dinner, the whole fish fried up and on the plate. Then we were told to eat the head, so we did. It wasn’t bad, but sucking the brain out of something’s head is just plain odd.
Comments (3)
love you friend and miss you. we leave on monday- let’s try to get some emails in before then!
“It’s no secret that I constantly dump on myself.” – Kacy Neinast
Friend, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I want to encourage you and remind you that you are an amazing woman of God. You and JD moved to Honduras, because of your love for Him and that is more than most of us will ever do. You are a great teacher, because you love those little ones, and they love you. You are patient, you are kind, you are compassionate, and the list of “you ares” could go on and on. I know that sometimes we get in a place where we can only focus on the negatives, but look at all of these positives, and really there are many more.
I am sure there is a part of you that is struggling with being away from your friends and family and that can bring you down, I can promise you though, from experience, that will get easier.
We love you guys and miss you and continue you to pray for you, and for the people that God is touching through you. I hope that we get to see you when you are in the states. Campbell turns 1 tomorrow and she is such a big girl.