Sometimes God just rescues people. Like, they pray and then they never want to steal again or never worry again or whatever. I usually get mad when that happens to someone else because it has never happened to me, even though I have begged for deliverance. Because I don’t like the struggle. I just want it over! God has a different plan for me, however, because I have not faced a struggle yet that I have not had to fight. 

I have been reading Beth Moore’s book “Get out of that Pit” during my lunch break recently. It’s a great read for anyone who has ever felt stuck, whether in hurt that someone else has caused you, hurt you unwillingly walked into, or an addiction you signed up for knowing it was a bad idea. You see, I have been in all of those pits.

I have been stuck because of the pain inflicted on me by past relationships, traumatic memories, and the physical imbalance that causes depression. I have also been stuck because of something I unwillingly walked into, because I did not know that beginning an exercise program would lead to a life or death battle against anorexia. I have also made some bad choices, knowing full well they were sinful, and still bear the weight of those choices to this day. 

I have never experienced immediate deliverance from any of these pits, and I have begged for it. I am beginning to understand that God not granting me instant deliverance is not because He is mean, but because He wants ALL OF ME, AT WHATEVER COST, and He wants me to remember what He has done.

He has not let me waste away in these pits, He has called me out, and while not an instant fix, it is a fight He is fighting with me and for me. He wants all of me to love him.

This quote spoke to me today…

” I want Jesus. A lot of Him. And obviously, He wanted me. All of me. The same is true for you. Maybe we could take it as a compliment.”

Obviously, God wants all of me, or He would have just called me, saved my soul, and left me alone. He wouldn’t have put a fire in my soul to conquer and glorify Him. He wouldn’t have demanded my complete attention if He didn’t want all of me. I would much rather God put me through struggle after struggle than for Him to just leave me alone. So, the fact that He hasn’t just instantly rescued me isn’t because He doesn’t love me. 

It’s because He does love me. He wants me to remember our struggles together, the things we have fought through, the way He has changed me. I am not sure I would revel in that as much if it wouldn’t have been a fight, if it would have been simple. I often forget the things I want to do that come easy to me, it’s the ones I want to do that I struggle with that I remember and relish even more. And I think God wants me to remember and find the compliment in the fact that He has called me to struggle. He wants me to love Him with all of me and He is not willing to settle for part of my attention. And to me, that means love. 

So, yeah, a life of ease would be great, but I am going to choose to be honored that the God of the Universe would think so much of me that He would be willing to fight it out with me so that He could have my whole heart.

That, friends, is a huge compliment.

This will not come as a surprise to anyone that knows me, but I am, in fact, an introvert. 

Yes, that means I re-charge my batteries by being alone, and, while I enjoy people, am very spent after spending lots of time with others, especially others who are emotionally taxing. So, my friend Jeannie linked this article on Facebook, and I found it so enjoyable.

I have not read the book this blog post refers to, but I found that what this person was able to put into words are things I have wanted to say to others for years! Especially the part about how introverts are not rude, they just don’t see the sense in social niceties and being around the bush. Oh, and the talking thing. I need a reason to interact, I don’t need to interact just to interact. 

Okay, so I present to you, straight from this blog…(Complete with a few highlight parts that I found particularly awesome)…

Ten Myths about Introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

So, yep. I liked this blog post and I thought you would too.

Okay, I know it’s Father’s Day so “Happy Father’s Day!”. 

And now, onto the blog. Well, let’s see here. I am now on day two of my new medicine. The one which I have googled and read about and all that stuff. I read that it causes weight gain, I read that it causes weight loss, I have also read that it can cause painful, long lasting erections. I figure since I am a girl, I needn’t worry about the last one. To say the least, I am freaked out about this medicine. And I blame the internet. 

I went to pick it up yesterday morning, and the lady asked me if I had ever taken it. I answered no, and went to the next window to talk to the pharmacist about the medicine, when I should take it and all that stuff. So, I am feeling pretty confident and begin to walk away. Then she says as I walk away “Oh, and it may cause weight gain”.

Cue utter and complete panic. 

Words to not say to a recovering eating disorder semi-neurotic person in the middle of a life transition…”may cause weight gain”.

So, I walk out, go home, lay out by the pool and continue to struggle through each and every meal just like usual. Except this time, there is this voice looming over my head “might cause weight gain, might cause weight gain…”

So, here we are. 

And, just a word on the side, I am well aware that people have life threatening illnesses, live in trash dumps, are sold into slavery, and that gaining weight is not the worst thing in the universe. I am not, however, going to pretend that gaining weight is not a big deal, especially to those who are in recovery from an eating disorder whose primary diagnosis is “fear of gaining weight”.  So, I am pretty freaked out right now, and am asking for some serious prayer. 

May God protect me, cover me, and bring me His peace as I struggle to adjust to this medicine, and it’s effects if there are any. I am praying that there aren’t.

Thanks.

The past four months since our return from Honduras has been, to be quite honest, absolutely awful. There have been so many trials and struggles for Jd and I in our personal lives that we have not even begun to unpack our feelings and thoughts on having to leave Honduras and our dreams so suddenly. 

We have many changes awaiting us, many decisions we are trying to make, and many challenges ahead in the next few weeks, and as many people who read our blog are believers in Christ, I am asking for you to pray for us.

1. We are considering a major change for our family. I am not going to share the details but it is a very scary, life changing decision that would a large undertaking. Please pray that God makes His will clear to us, and that we are faithful in our obedience to Him.

2. I am in the process of detoxing from some medication I take. I will see the doctor today to evaluate how it is going, and to discuss where to go from here. I have been struggling with the physical and psychological effects of changing medications and I am asking for prayer as my body heals. 

3. I will be visiting Honduras on July 11 for a week. I am nervous, excited, and well, a bit overwhelmed at the idea of what awaits me. I am asking for prayer that I will remain calm in the coming weeks, and that I will be able to process the emotions experienced there well. 

Thanks.

This is one word I could use to express my feelings as of late. Exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. 

This morning at church, I was sitting there and I just heard God saying to me “healing”.

So I started praying for healing. 

Healing for my heart and the sorrow it has seen in returning from Honduras.

Healing for my marriage as we struggle to adjust to life back in America.

Healing for my body, as the effects of withdrawal from anti-depressants are showing themselves.

Healing for my mind, that I would heard truth and believe it.

BELIEVE IT. That’s key. I, at times, have a disconnect between what I know and what I believe. I know God is good, but sometimes I don’t believe it. It’s hard for me to believe God is good when I hear over and over the stories of so-and-so who’s pregnant and I long for a child. It’s hard for me to believe in God’s goodness when I struggle day in and day out against an eating disorder I have fought for TEN YEARS, waiting and crying out for freedom. It’s hard for me to believe in God’s goodness when shame from past mistakes makes an unexpected return. 

May God help me my unbelief. May He bring His healing hand over my heart and mind, to remind me that I am not fighting in vain, that His cross and my salvation is my joy and strength, to remind me that God has not continued to press me and bring struggles because He is punishing me, but because He loves me and wants me to be like His Son. 

I am reminded in this time of the spring when I ran a marathon. It was hard, but I just kept going. It was the prize at the end, the prize of knowing that I did what I set my mind to. The prize of finishing well.

And that is what I want more than a baby, more than freedom from anorexia, more than an orphanage, more than a happy life. 

I want to hear God say to me, on the day He calls me home, “Well done, good and faithful servant”. 

So, I will be exhausted as I fight for freedom, and I give my life to help the children at my school, as I strive to love my husband better, as I long for what this world was meant to be, but that exhaustion is okay with me, because it is not in vain. God heals, and He gives strength to those who wait on Him. 

So, I fight and I wait, and I pray for healing from God. 

And, I may just go take a nap, too.

Our church is hosting a conference for Biblical Counseling this weekend and one of my husband’s and my friend tweeted something today that I found to be a bit insensitive. The tweet was along the lines of “well just finished the morning learning about eating disorders. now I feel…hungry?” 

Now, I can see the humor in that. Sure, I make a lot of fun of eating disorders and people who have/do purge/purged. Here’s the catch…I am one of those people. Yeah, I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic. I feel as though I have earned the right to poke a little fun at starving, because, well, I fully understand the pain the comes with it. I am a survivor of that pain. I have spent many nights awake in a panic that I was gaining weight. I have spent many hours running my hardest to make sure things stay how they are. I have spent almost ten years standing up, getting knocked down again, standing back up, getting knocked down, and getting back up again. I have spent almost ten years in counseling, treatment, 12 step groups, and the like. 

I struggle still. I cry because my pants won’t zip or someone is skinnier than me. I still have to admit each and every morning that I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable, that I need God or I won’t make it. I still have to remind myself to take it one day, one meal, one bite at a time. 

Some days are better than others. Some days I see clearly the grace of God pouring on me, whether it be because I ate something and didn’t purge or because I didn’t stop and check in that mirror to make sure I was still slim. Some days I cling to the faith I have that He is not finished with me yet. He started me on this path of sanctification the day He saved me, and He will not be done until I die or He comes back, whichever comes first. 

I just wish there was a little more sensitivity in the world to eating disorders, or addictions in general. A little more grace, a little more love. 

Because a junkie tripping on the corner might be funny to you and your friends, but I can guarantee you his sister isn’t laughing. She’s scared. It might be funny to find out your boss has porn on his computer, but it’s not funny to his wife. She’s hurting. Addictions don’t just hurt the addict, they hurt the addict’s relationships, too. 

So, do I have no sense of humor about addictions? I wouldn’t say that. I laugh and poke fun at myself a lot, and often refer to my time in treatment as my time at “Camp Anorexia”. But I have also been in this fight a long time, and have learned that I am not my addiction, so I can laugh at how ridiculous those things I do are, because I can make that distinction. But some people aren’t there yet. Some addicts are still in the mind set that because they are an addict and the addiction is bad, then that means they are bad. And when people just beginning their road of recovery hear someone making a joke, they don’t hear the humor, they hear the shame.

And shame is the killer of recovery. 

So, friends, let’s have grace for those who struggle. They are not their addiction. They are hurting and broken people and the last thing they need is to hear that someone is mocking the thing that very well might be killing them. 

May we choose our words carefully, to honor the Lord and to bring blessing to those who hear them.

Well, Jd and I have been back in the US for 36 days. Some people think that is a long time, some people don’t. I am just now beginning to feel normal, not quite as overwhelmed, not quite as lost.

Sad, yes, but lost…not so much.

So, these are the things I am pondering/what’s going on…

1. I cried last night because I really miss our cat Sal. He has a new family in Honduras, but I just miss him.

2. We are going to the Village Denton, and I am thinking it might just be time for us to find a small group.

3. We have not decided where to move yet, but I am starting to be ready to put down some semblance of roots…whatever that means.

4. My little sister has been starting to shop for wedding dresses, and well, I would like to have a wedding dress, too. They are so pretty.

5. I have been drinking coffee more in the past few months than ever in my life. 

6. I am going to Honduras in July, for a week. I am nervous about returning, yet excited. 

7. I am so very thankful for my friend Kathryn. She has done a great job at giving me grace and letting me struggle and talk about it since I have been back.

8. A kid at school told me my face had polka dots…thanks, kid. 

9. I am thinking of just cutting all my hair off. Like Pixie style. I have been pondering this for years, yet I always chicken out. I just think I can’t pull it off, but I just hate having hair.

10. Jd and I have no bedroom furniture or decor, so I am semi-excited that we get to get new stuff. We do have a free couch, loveseat, end table, and box of glasses on their way to us, and if you want to donate anything else to our cause…bring it.

11. I am considering running another marathon this fall. 

Yep, that’s about it. Someday, when I am not quite so exhausted, I will write more, but for now, well, it seems a random update is what you get!

I answered a student in Spanish today. This child asked me if he could have five goldfish, I told him that was fine, go ahead. But I said it in Spanish.

And I didn’t even realize it.

I started back at my old school this week. It was like riding a bike, it just clicked in my head. The kids I used to teach are all still in my class, plus some new kids who are pretty fun. Some of the old teachers are there, but there are many new ones, and I like them. A lot. 

I am exhausted. Part of it is adjusting to a new schedule. Trying to re-learn running after kids for eight hours each day, getting up super early, what that looks like. 

I am missing Honduras. I am learning to be here. The learning curve is killing me. 

I am exhausted. Today I was listening to the radio and they were discussing the number of homeless is DFW. I thought “I’m one of those”. I have somewhere to sleep at night, a place to eat, a warm shower, a family that loves me. I am not lacking. I just have no home. 

I just feel like a wanderer. 

But not all who wander are lost. 

Today, March 28, 2011 is my 27th birthday. While I am missing my dear friends in Honduras, my cute as heck students, and my cat, I am seeing God’s gifts in the things that are happening here. 

Friday, Jd threw me a surprise dinner. We met friends at Jason’s Deli and enjoyed a lovely bowl of soup and some salad. There are two things you should know about me…I hate surprises, and I hate surprises. I cried that day because I was feeling so overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that I almost called to cancel dinner. So, I was not in the happiest of moods that evening, and if I say I don’t want a birthday party, I don’t want one.  I promise.

On Saturday, we spent the morning and early afternoon at my dad’s, riding the four wheeler, looking at the new baby zebra down the street, and jumping on the trampoline. After that, I went to Target and purchased a new pair of new pants and a new shirt with a gift card I got for my birthday. We also found out that we are getting about $1500 back from taxes, praise God. That night I helped my sister make something for her wedding, well, she made it and I wrote the message because she has shady handwriting. Then, I went to bed, at nine. It was glorious.

On Sunday, Jd and I went to Village Denton. I cried through the whole service. They introduced 22 new babies, and I cried. Then I cried because I am just feeling a little lost, things aren’t where I planned for them to be. So I cried for some babies, cried because I saw friends, cried because I missed Honduras. Later that afternoon, feeling better, I celebrated my birthday with my family. Amy, Jared, Max, Kyle, Joey, Mom and Scoots were there. It was nice to be home with them. I was thrilled to open my target gift cards because I sold my belongings to move to Honduras, and I might need some more once we find a place to live. 

Today, Jd started back at work. I had to drive him because we only have one car, but that’s cool because while he was at work, I went back to my old job and re-applied. The Center for Autism is now part of Easter Seals North Texas, which means better pay and benefits. While I won’t need the benefits, the better pay will really be grand. Once I pass the drug test and background check, I should be good to go. 

God has blessed us tremendously in that we were loved in our previous employment, they both had job openings, and they both wanted us back and were happy to see us. So, while I may not have had a pinata this year for my birthday, I can say that God has blessed me in my 26th year, and I am interested to see what my 27th year brings.

Also, look what our Honduran family did for me:

Jd and I visited the doctor on Wednesday. The amazing staff of the Village Church and, more importantly, God brought us into contact with Chris Berry at Baylor’s Family Medical Clinic in Dallas. This clinic is a charity of Baylor that sees those of us who cannot afford medical care, and we paid a co-pay of $10. God’s providence in this was obvious in many ways, as Dr. Berry is a doctor who is dedicated to missions and has visited our beloved Honduras on medical missions. He even has a friend who has a medical outreach in one of the coastal cities of Honduras. 

Those who know me know that I tend to jump to the worst possible conclusion when anything happens. Dr. Berry was very understanding when I explained to him that Jd probably has a huge tumor in his head and his head is going to shrivel up and fall off. He looked at JD, asked very thorough questions about his history, did a typical neurological exam and reassured me that JD did not have cancer. He gave Jd a new prescription for migraines and a new prescription for preventative care. He advised JD to see his neurologist as soon as our insurance kicks in. 

It was a great doctors appointment. No cancer, no tumors, nothing serious. Which leads me to the question that weighs on my heart and mind most of the time…

What is God doing?

Why did He bring us back to the US?

What are these migraines about?

What is going on?

So, I am overwhelmed. I feel like I am grieving the passing of a friend that no one else knew. I cry almost daily, and yet, I feel no one understands.

What is God doing?