Due to Xanga being ridiculous and changing servers, I have moved my blog.

It is now www.kacyneinast.wordpress.com. If you link to me in any capacity, please change the link. Thanks!

Joshua 4:20-24 

 And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stonesthey had taken out of the Jordan.  He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, ‘What do these stones mean?’  tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’  For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over.  He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.“

Six weeks before JD moved to Boston, my second nephew, Graham, was born. He spent a week in NICU, my sister spent a week or so in and out of the hospital and I spent a lot of time with Graham. He was a welcome distraction that nightmarish August, and when JD left, I spent even more time at Kyle and Joey’s apartment helping with Graham and Max. As I watch Graham grow, I am reminded of when the Israelites built a monument to remember the ways God provided and guided them I get to watch one of my monuments to God’s grace walk around everyday. 

 My walking monument turns two this week. Two! When I see him, growing and laughing and running around, I am reminded of the things God has done for me during his short life. When my marriage ended, a huge part of me was torn open. God used Graham’s love and his joy as a salve for this weary heart. With each milestone or birthday Graham celebrates, I celebrate too.  I celebrate the healing that has occurred in my heart. I celebrate the laughter that I never thought would come again. I celebrate the goodness of Christ. 

It has been a beautiful two years. It truly has. I don’t know that I could have said that a year ago, but on Saturday, as we celebrated two years of having Graham, I realized just how precious these years have been. 

God is so good. His healing is full, warm, joyous, and worthy of all of me. Graham has helped me heal in ways he will never know. And I am excited to watch him grow, knowing that each passing year will be a reminder of the years of blessings the Lord has brought. 

Six/Seven months (ish) ago, I posted my New Year’s Resolutions, and I was reading over them, as I do with many goals to see how far I have come and what still needs to be done, and I decided to update where I was with my lofty goals.

So, I have accomplished the following resolutions:

1. I did something different with my hair. I cut bangs. I regretted it. To they always seem like a good idea, and then they are there, and you have to buy clips to pin them back and figure out what to do with them and it’s just never as Zooey Daschanel as I want.

2. I went on a date. It was fun. The guy turned out to be a toolbag, but at least I got my feet wet. This being said, if you know any single, Godly men, who happen to be attractive/funny/smart, give them my number (I’m serious here). Unless they are weird or smell. Then, no thanks.

3. I got a library card. And I used the heck out of it.

I have not accomplished the following goals yet:

1. I have not eaten a hamburger.

2. I have not cussed less. I have remained steady in my use of salty language, so as long as it’s not increasing, I’m cool.

3. I have only sang Karaoke 2 times. I have three slots to fill, so let’s get on that, friends!

4. I have not run a marathon. I have signed up for the Dallas Marathon in December, however. So I’m half-way there.

5. I have not memorized ten Bible verses. I will not beat myself up about this, however, because I still love Jesus. And He still loves me.

The first half of 2013 has been really good. I have been stretched and grown and had to do a lot of things that scared me, but in my fear, God is there. He has met me and led me and helped me to continue to grow to be a woman who glorifies Him. I am excited to see how the next half (ish) of the year goes. It should be exciting as it will bring moving to Lewisville, my first full year of teaching in Grand Prairie, and other fun stuff. Here’s to the rest of 2013! And, I’m still wanting to go on a date with Ryan Gosselin, so, you know, I’m just throwing that out there.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Yesterday, I cried for the first time in a long while. I cried from loneliness. I cried out of disappointment, fear, anger, and pain. Because every once in a while, a new circumstance or moment will bring all the pain of my divorce back. And it hurts. Because when you are married, you have a built in buddy. Someone who will watch movies with you, go to that new restaurant, who will hold your hand, ect. You have someone on Saturday nights. You have someone for the concert or indie film or to check out that new museum. And it’s comfortable, and it’s known, and it’s a guarantee (oh, and it’s a man). And getting divorced changed that.

It’s hard for me. I’m a homebody. I like to read, and watch documentaries, and play scrabble. And sometimes, I miss having someone always there to do that with. It’s not that I miss JD. It’s that I miss companionship that I don’t have to work for. And the hard part is that I was missing that companionship before JD even left. I have been lonely for so long, and it’s hard to hold on sometimes, and not just sink into a pit of despair. It’s hard not to listen to the lie that tells me “I will be lonely, alone, and despondent forever” (quickly followed by the thought “Oh crap, I’m 29 and I can feel my ovaries withering up! I’ll die alone and childless!” I tend to go a little overboard when freaking out).

So, I woke up this morning, with that familiar ache in my chest, and I went to church. And I worked with my Little Village buddy, and I sat with a friend, and I listened to a sermon on Joseph and forgiveness and grace for those who harm us, and it seemed like any other Sunday. And then we sang a song that tore through my achy heart, and the Lord was there. And the verse I wrote above spoke clearly to me. God’s hand is sovereign and He is leading me. He knows where I am, He knows my ache, my pain, my frustration. He knows my desires, and He knows the fight I face to keep them alive. He knows the nights when my half-empty bed feels cavernous. 

He knows I am afraid that I will never be loved again. Because I am terrified.  

And I know He has never failed me. And He is leading me. And this journey has taken me deeper than I could have ever wandered on my own. I am not who I was on September 29, 2011, and He led me through this wilderness to be in His presence, to trust Him, to make my feet firm and my faith strong, and my heart soft. And because He led me to this place, through the crappiest of circumstances, I know to call on His name, and that I can rest and lean on His chest, and my head will not succumb to the deep ocean water. Even if I am never loved again. If I never hold another hand, or love another man, He will be helper and companion, and I won’t drown. 

I am His, He is mine. And He has never failed, and He won’t start now. 

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Last week my mom and I drove to Burnet, TX, to volunteer for a few days at Young Lives camp. Young Lives is a branch of Young Life, which is a ministry that brings the gospel to Junior High and High School students through a weekly meeting, camps, and a discipleship program called Campaigners. In high school, I went to Young Life, spent two summers at camp, and after high school, I did work crew, but Young Lives was something brand new to me.

Young Lives is a ministry for teen moms. Each leader mentors at least one young woman who has had a child or is pregnant, and speaks into her life the grace and joy that is Christ. I loved these girls, they are the burdened, heavy laden, and often overlooked high school students, and for one week, they get to be kids. They bring their babies to camp, where volunteers from all over the country come and provide child care so these kids with kids can be carefree for a few moments and concentrate during club. These mentors help the girls to love on their kids, be with their children, and be kids themselves.

What I love the most is the message they hear at camp and through their mentors. They hear the they are not forgotten, they are not alone, they have what it takes, they are forgiven, redeemed, and beautiful. They hear that Jesus wants them, and He will never leave them. They learn that they have a provider, a father, a protector. And when a mom can hear this and take it to heart, their sweet babies hear it, too. And that is what I love about Young Lives, that two people are impacted when one hears of Christ.

And I love this because my mom became a believer through Young Life, in high school. And because she heard the gospel through Young Life, her children were raised in a home where we learned that God is good, does good, and loves His children.

For more info on Young Life…

www.younglife.org

I started a new job on April 19. I am teaching special education in Grand Prairie at a middle school. Ya’ll, these kids are big. These kids are tough. It has been really hard. There have been tears and frustration and exhaustion. I have been overwhelmed at times, and completely lost in many ways. But each struggle is an opportunity to grow. Sigh. 

I am so grateful, in so many ways for this job. The staff in the classroom, who have been here all year, are a talented and wonderful group. They are funny, go with the flow kind of people, and for this I am grateful. You cannot do this job without a sense of humor and some grit. I am so grateful that the principal and office staff have been so helpful. I have never worked in a public school before, and there are so many things I had no idea how to do, and they helped me. The principal has called and texted me letting me know that I am appreciated and they are glad I came on board. The central special education staff has been by my side when dealing with some behaviors when I was at a loss. It has been good. Very good. And for this, I am grateful. 

I am also grateful because this feels like a second chance for me. A new start at adulthood. I am making enough money to live on my own, should I choose to. I can choose how to run my classroom, and what type of teacher I want to be for my aides. I can make new friends, and am making new friends, who can know me for me. Although, people know I am divorced, they did not know JD, they did not know me when I was married, they were not there for any of the trauma. My divorce is a part of my past, like where I went to college or where I grew up. It’s just a part. I am a single adult here. And, I get to make my mark here being who I want to be. 

Fresh starts are great. New mercies are great. And this job has reminded me of how wonderful it is that we get a fresh start each morning with God. His mercies are new with each rising sun. He is a merciful provider. I prayed for a long time for a new job. My small group and family labored in prayer for this, and the Lord provided. There have been some really rough days, but God placed me here for a reason. There are children in my class without a voice, and God has placed me here to be their advocate and helper. He is my helper, He is my fresh start, He is my advocate. And He has given me a heart to be the advocate for others, even when it’s hard. So, I will try to remain vigilant of my calling, and each morning, with the sunrise, I pray my heart will remain aware of the new beginning I have been given. 

I am grateful for this chance to start again. 

P.S. I wrote this when I was at lunch.

I started a new job on April 19. I am teaching special education in Grand Prairie at a middle school. Ya’ll, these kids are big. These kids are tough. It has been really hard. There have been tears and frustration and exhaustion. I have been overwhelmed at times, and completely lost in many ways. But each struggle is an opportunity to grow. Sigh. 

I am so grateful, in so many ways for this job. The staff in the classroom, who have been here all year, are a talented and wonderful group. They are funny, go with the flow kind of people, and for this I am grateful. You cannot do this job without a sense of humor and some grit. I am so grateful that the principal and office staff have been so helpful. I have never worked in a public school before, and there are so many things I had no idea how to do, and they helped me. The principal has called and texted me letting me know that I am appreciated and they are glad I came on board. The central special education staff has been by my side when dealing with some behaviors when I was at a loss. It has been good. Very good. And for this, I am grateful. 

I am also grateful because this feels like a second chance for me. A new start at adulthood. I am making enough money to live on my own, should I choose to. I can choose how to run my classroom, and what type of teacher I want to be for my aides. I can make new friends, and am making new friends, who can know me for me. Although, people know I am divorced, they did not know JD, they did not know me when I was married, they were not there for any of the trauma. My divorce is a part of my past, like where I went to college or where I grew up. It’s just a part. I am a single adult here. And, I get to make my mark here being who I want to be. 

Fresh starts are great. New mercies are great. And this job has reminded me of how wonderful it is that we get a fresh start each morning with God. His mercies are new with each rising sun. He is a merciful provider. I prayed for a long time for a new job. My small group and family labored in prayer for this, and the Lord provided. There have been some really rough days, but God placed me here for a reason. There are children in my class without a voice, and God has placed me here to be their advocate and helper. He is my helper, He is my fresh start, He is my advocate. And He has given me a heart to be the advocate for others, even when it’s hard. So, I will try to remain vigilant of my calling, and each morning, with the sunrise, I pray my heart will remain aware of the new beginning I have been given. 

I am grateful for this chance to start again. 

P.S. I wrote this when I was at lunch.

Today, it is my little brother’s birthday. He is one special guy. We fought like cats and dogs as children, mainly because I like to cause chaos, and he reacts, and then it’s so fun for me and this cycle continued forever. Tyler lives in Taiwan, where he has a farm, teaches, and works at a pizza place. He has a passion for nature, and a growing love for yoga and meditation. He is funny, smart, weird, and wonderful. I miss him, terribly, and so desire for him to come back to Texas. Miss you Tyler and may this year bring joy, peace, and love to you! Happy Birthday! Come home! Happy Birthday! Texas>Taiwan!

March was a crazy month. I can’t believe it’s already over. Babies were born, vacations were taken, friends got engaged, best friends moved, i had a birthday, and we celebrated Easter. It was nutty busy and I am tired. So, I decided to put up some pictures from the month, nothing deep or anything, so enjoy.

Here’s our beach house in Gulf Shores. Also known as the toilet to the TCU frat staying next door, or as Melissa’s house to the drunk frat boys who just walked in at 2am one night, but it’s really called Pleasure Key. I hate the word pleasure, it grosses me out.

Here’s Graham (or Gray, or Grizzle, or Grizzle-Grazzle, or Griz, he answers to them all) He liked the beach once he figured out how to walk on it. Nothing like a paci while chillin’ in the beach chair. Am I right?

Cody and Max, building a sand castle. 

Me, Max, Joey, and Amy playing volleyball. Amy said I was pretty good for someone who never played volleyball. I said I am good at everything. 

Case in point, here’s Cody and me playing Just Dance. I was good at it. 

But not as good at Amy, Max and Scooter. So that’s our vacation. Sand Castles, frat boys peeing on our house, wearing jackets, digging holes to block the wind, going to the zoo, Just Dance, stomach flu, playing volleyball, and laughing.

I also celebrated my 29th (oh dear gosh) birthday in March. I did not feel like celebrating last year, but this year, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Karaoke. So, we went to sing Karaoke. Some of my best karaoke pals couldn’t make it due to just giving birth and pending birth, another was out of town, but we had a blast anyways. My mom and Step-dad went, and they thought it was super fun. I’m pretty sure we need to go every week. Those Japanese know what’s up. 

Matt and Ashley singing a little Bohemian Rhapsody.

Me singing something. I can’t remember what it was but I’m pretty sure I rocked it.

Chad and Matt singing Creed, while Scooter laughs. Yes, Creed. Hiroko, Cody, and my mom were also there but somehow escaped my pictures. 

And this past Sunday, we celebrated Easter. I took a picture last Easter with my nephews, and it was the weekend I moved in. I have enjoyed this time with them so much and I know I will have to move out eventually, but I am trying to cherish every moment until then. ( I put that picture up too, so you can see how much we have all changed) We went to my mom’s house to celebrate. My grandma was in town, so my aunts and uncle came over with my cousins. 

So that was March, in a nutshell. 

I took a vacation last week. My family and I drove to Gulf Shores, spent a few wonderful, albeit chilly, days on the beach. It was fun, it was stressful, it was difficult for me. We drove back on March 16th. 

March 16th was the day I got married.

This was the first anniversary to pass since our divorce was final. I was sad and overwhelmed and the fact that my vacation was ending did not help my anxiety at all. I was taken by sadness for all the dreams that were sewn on that day, all the hopes I had, and the way I thought life was going to go. 

And I just had this thought about where I am in all of this. It was easier to be in the valley, in the darkness, because you put your head down and one foot in front of the other and just keep going. But climbing out of the valley is atrocious. It is hard. I am overcome at times with fear for my future, and the loneliness of the present, and sometimes I just am lost. I am climbing and trying, but the whole time I feel like I am on my knees, trying to gather up my dreams and build something new. And that is so much harder than just trudging along in the valley. 

I am afraid to rebuild. I am afraid to move on. I am afraid to hurt again. I am afraid of the Valley. I don’t want to go back there, even though the bleakness of it seems comforting at times. 

But it’s time, even though I may not “feel” ready, it’s time. I have fight through this fear, overwhelming as it might be. I have to take captive these thoughts and fears, and I have to dwell on the things of the Lord. It’s time to have a new anniversary. My good friend, Ashley, reminded me yesterday that March 16th will always stick out to me and be an important day. But it can be a milestone of the way the Lord has worked. How in the darkest times, He was there. In that terrible summer of lies and confusion, He was there. He saw it. He knew the truth even when I was fed lie after lie. On that Thursday night, when I was abandoned, He was singing His songs over me. So, as much as climbing out of the valley has been awful and will continue to bring growing pains and heartache, I will choose to enjoy the climb, as much as I can. 

Because the Lord commanded us to be strong and courageous. He has told me not to be terrified. He is with me where ever I go. Even during this long, scary, dream “scooping up”, climb out of the valley.