I learned how to snow ski when I was three years old, yet one of my first memories is from first grade. I was taking private lessons all week with a ski instructor who held my hand getting on and off the lift and anytime I was scared. I felt secure, peaceful, and safe skiing with him. I knew that someone was there should I fall or skid on ice or get eaten by a snow monster. We skied together from Monday until Thursday, but when I got there on Friday, he wasn’t there. Apparently, even ski instructors take days off and I had a new instructor, and she WOULD NOT HOLD MY HAND. So I cried, and I was petrified. I felt abandoned, alone, and like at any moment I would fall off the mountain. (I have an irrational fear of hills because I am afraid I will just fall off of them. For instance, I am terrified of the city of San Francisco because of the hills that I may fall off of.) I did not trust her, but more than that, I did not trust myself or my ability to ski. I needed someone to hold me because I could not do it myself. I still feel that way, often in fact, and find that I cannot do it by myself, I need someone to hold my hand. Someone I can trust to hold me up. 

Many months ago, when this “season” of my life began, my counselor urged me to get the book “Jesus Calling” because I needed to, and still need to, just learn and rest in who Jesus is, not strive to learn and earn my “Bible Gold Stars”. She just wanted me to re-learn what I know about Jesus, and keep reading it until I believed it. Because I am ridiculous and was in a bit of shock for many months there, I did not purchase the book until about a month ago. I have been reading a few pages a night, reading some pages for many nights, and just trying to remember who Jesus is. 

On March 24th, the entry began like this “This is a time in your life where you must learn to let go: of loved ones, possessions, of control.” Oh crap, I thought, now I have to strive to try to give up control (?!?!?!), this is terrible. Things are already ridiculous and now I am having to actively try to give up control and possessions? Blah!!!! 

However, the entry goes on to discuss that releasing control is not as difficult as it sounds when you fully understand and trust the character of who you give control to. Jesus is trustworthy. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

The last few sentences reads that “The One who never leaves you is the One who never changes…as you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand.”

He always holds my hand. He will always catch me when I fall, if I slip, when I cannot hold myself up. He is trustworthy and good and safe. He will hold my hand when everyone else has let go, and hold it when everyone else is holding it. He will forever be with me and for me and that is exactly what I needed to read. 

Yep, that is pretty much my new normal. I am getting used to living with these two cuties, Kyle, and Joey. I have been at my job for a month now, and with every job comes growing pains, but I am really enjoying it. My co-workers are great, my kids are super fun, and I am really enjoying wearing scrubs. Things are going for the better, and although I still have some fear and anxiety about my future, I am learning that God will sustain me. He is my portion, my provider, and my peace. 

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. I feel old.

Now, I fully realize that I am not that old, however, I have lived a lot of life in my twenty-eight years. A Lot. I was thinking on my way home from work today that I have really lived a lot of life in the past year (which contributes to my old lady feeling and the fact that I am looking tore up lately). I have lived through my parents’ divorce, my parents both getting remarried, the death of my unborn sister, death of both grandpas and one grandmother, an eating disorder and stint in treatment, moving to another country, moving back from another country, a cancer scare, a career switch, and recently, some issues in my personal relationships. I have been a lifeguard, a nanny, a swim instructor, a teacher, and an A.B.A. therapist. I have had my heart broken twice, I have been in love, I have been dumped, I have dumped. I have run marathons, I have climbed mountains, I have skied, I have worked at a summer camp. I have had my nose peirced, I have had short and long hair, blond hair, dark brown hair and all shades in between. I have fallen into a cactus.  I have owned a dog and cat. I have given those animals away. I have forgiven and been forgiven. I have taught myself to sew and crochet, and given it up when I realized I was terrible at it (the crochetting part). I have learned Spanish and French. I have eaten fish brain and cow tongue. I have jumped off cliffs in the wilderness of Honduras, and performed rap songs in the desert of Mexico. I have seen sea turtles up close in Hawaii and walked the freedom trail in Boston. I have cut my finger off, stepped on a nail, and had a car accident. I have ridden a horse through the Arizona desert and milked a cow. I have been chased by a bull (true story, happened on the side of the road in Honduras, and it was scary). I have danced on table tops, sang Karaoke, fallen in love with my nephews, and seen restoration of friendships.

And all of that just skims the surface. These twenty-eight years have held many tears and much heartache. There are days when I just want one of those lives where the people just skate by. You know those people, they go to great college, get married to a nice guy, get pregnant the day they start trying, have a super fun job, and then grow old with children who love them and want to be with them. Sometimes I want that.

But I would not want to give up what I have learned to cling to in my lifetime. I would not give up knowing that I can be living in my worst nightmare and having the Lord hold me. I would not give up seeing my family restored as an indirect result of my anorexia. I would not give up having men and women who love me and love God well come to my aid when I needed them. I would not know these truths so deeply had these past twenty eight years been easy.

Because in this life I have seen moments of pure hell. I have wept at my own sin and the sin of others, and felt so alone at times. But I never was.  I have seen terrible things, but God was always there. And He will be there, and I will never have to wonder if He will show up because I have seen Him prove Himself time and time again.

Because He is faithful.

I would be lying if I said that I hope my next twenty-eight years will be like the first, but I do hope that God continues to show Himself to me in powerful ways. My hope for my next 28 years is to finally believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, to finally see that I am beautiful, loved, and worthy, and to learn to love others and love God better. (I would also like to go to Australia, ride in a hot-air balloon, and adopt a child).

Happy Birthday to me.

Today is a hard day. It’s my five year wedding anniversary, a day that should be celebrated and rejoiced over. Instead, I have been fighting back tears, struggling to go on, and finding joy and laughter where I can. On days like these, it’s easy for me to feel forgotten, alone, abandoned. It’s easy to accept the lie that God hates me and wants me to struggle forever.

But I am not alone. I am not forgotten. I am not abandoned. Things look bleak, and they have for a while, but God does not hate me.

He is for me.

So faithful, so constant and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/kari-jobe-you-are-for-me-lyrics.html ]
Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are
To remind me

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

song lyrics by Kari Jobe

This past Tuesday night I was with a group of women, and they decided to pray over me and ask God what He would want to say to me. The leader called me earlier in the day and asked if this was okay with me, and I was eager to participate, but nervous because I was exhausted and didn’t want to miss out on anything because my body and mind were exhausted. 

I heard many truths from God that evening, that He was proud of me, He loved me, I was the apple of His eye, His joy. That He is my redeemer, He redeems, and He is working. That this battle is not mine to fight, but His. He wants me to keep dreaming, keep working towards the future. But, one word was evident through it all.

Hope. 

There is hope for me. For my life. He is my hope. I can hope in Christ, move forward and know that He is for me and He will not let me fall. 

Psalms 9:18
But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. 

Psalms 31:24
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Psalms 33:18
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

Psalms 71:5
For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. 

Hope, like the gleaming taper’s light,

Adorns and cheers our way;

And still, as darker grows the night,

Emits a brighter ray.

OLIVER GOLDSMITH, The Captivity

I must confess something. I have been very fearful these past few weeks. Very fearful. Having nightmares, not sleeping well, and over-reacting about popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Don’t ask.

 I am moving out of my mom’s house and into a house with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews in a few weeks. The Lord has provided a place for me with them, and I will have my own separate and large space, albeit, there is no air conditioning or heat, but if I get too hot, cold, lonely, ect., I can always come in and sleep on the couch. Plus, I lived in Honduras where the large range of temperature was never tempered by any sort of indoor regulatory measures, so it may just be a fun trip down memory lane. A very sweaty memory lane. 

And in moving out, comes, well, bills. And, I do not make enough money. So I am afraid of that. Afraid that I will run out of money and I will just wither and die. Because, naturally, running out of money is quickly followed by withering and dying. Duh. And with moving out comes needing furniture, because we sold ours when we moved to Honduras, and then had some donated when we returned, but due to recent events, I don’t feel comfortable claiming any of those items. 

But here is what I am really, truly, deeply afraid of. Perhaps, more than anything. 

Failure. 

I am terrified to fail. 

I am terrified of not being perfect, not doing it right, not succeeding. My perfectionism comes out most commonly in my lack of trying to do anything new because I am afraid of failing. If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t try at all, then it will be crappy and I will know that it is because I didn’t really try. It’s a sick cycle. Right now, a big part of my life is failing. I have failed. Failed to keep a relationship in tact. Failed in Honduras. Failed in recovery. Failure. Failure, in that everyone knows the mess that is my life right now, and I am ashamed. I feel like a huge, giant, failure. The worst part about feeling like a failure is that I abuse myself because I mess up. I must be perfect in all ways and when I am not, I have some seriously harsh inner dialogue about it. I would never talk to another human being the way I talk to myself, yet, I take it and I believe it as gospel truth. Failure terrifies me. 

As I cried about this on Friday, my counselor reminded me that failure is a part of life. We talked about my three year old nephew, how his entire existence right now is trying stuff and failing, and then trying again. And, amazingly, he does not beat the ever living snot out of himself when he messes up. And we talked about how God is kind and good and loving and He is my protector. He knows I will fail, and He will catch me. In fact, her exact words to me were “God will not drop you on your head, Kacy”. 

He won’t. He has already provided a free bed, free couch, free dresser, and other household items. He has provided extra work and babysitting opportunities. He is holding me up. He holds me in yoga class, where I can never do the poses perfectly, yet I go back week after week, perhaps to challenge my perfectionism, perhaps because I like hearing Him remind me of His love when I can’t do it all correctly. He is holding me. 

And, as He holds me, I with cling to the truth of His love and kindness. He does not expect perfection from me, because if I was perfect, then why would I need Jesus? So, as I embark on this new chapter of life, where I live a grown up life, all on my own, with no one else to take care of me, I will probably mess it up and not do it perfectly. And, I think it is a sweet gift of God that I will step out in challenging my perfectionism while living with a super fun three-year-old who fails and tries again and laughs about it.

Three years ago I got a seriously awful stomach virus (thank you, students) and had to go to the emergency room around ten at night. I was sitting in the waiting room and in so much pain and I remember rocking back and forth and saying “I don’t think I can make it”. Yeah, the stomach flu, I know. But, the waiting was made so much worse because I didn’t know how long it would be before I could get help, before the medicine would work, before relief would come. Sweet, sweet relief. It finally came, of course, but gosh, that twenty minutes in the waiting room was rough (go ahead, mock me, I know I am a baby).

So, waiting. Not my favorite thing. At all. I do not like to wait. Especially when relief is nowhere in sight.

Right now, I am fighting the waiting because I am in immense pain. I am hurting, scared, lonely, angry, and sorrowful. And it is all I can do not to yell out “I QUIT! I WILL WAIT NO LONGER!”, followed by a long string of expletives and foot stomping. 

I want deliverance. I desire deliverance from this hurt, but I have chosen to wait. I am waiting, sometimes for a person, but mostly for God to work. My prayer has been that He will prepare my heart for what He is working. My cry has been that this will all be over soon. 

He is answering my prayer. He is not, however, answering it by means of immediate deliverance. He spoke to me this week in a plethora of ways to wait. To stay where I am, rest in Him, and trust that He is working. It is awfully prideful of me to think that I should decide what will happen. It is, after all, human nature to want to be God, but what we desire often is just to stop the hurting, not to learn from it. I often think if I could just stop the pain, then things would be better, but what I really desire is more of Jesus, and that is painful at times. But what I have seen and learned is that I cannot possibly plan what God will do through my pain. After all, I would have never chosen to have anorexia or spend time in a treatment center, but God did plan that for me, and in that pain, my family was reunited and large wounds were healed. I would have never chosen to have a man break my heart at the age of 21, but God planned it, and through it brought me to the Village church and to many wonderful people to live this life with. I would have never chosen for my dream of living in Honduras to be put on hold, but I would not have given back the time I have gotten to spend with my nephews because I am here in Texas. You see, God works, and His story for us often means we wait on Him. Even in the extreme pain, extreme heartache, and extreme fear of the future. But, God’s work is always beautiful and sweet in the end result. He is good and His plan for me is beautiful, though it may not look like it now. So, for now I sleep in my half-empty bed, waiting to see the end result of God’s mighty hand, and through my tears and pain, and sometimes in my anger, I am anxious to arrive at the end result. Because, although I cannot see it now, God is working, He is moving, His hand is guarding me and His plans are unfolding. So, even though I yearn to scream and punch and kick, I will wait on Him, out of love, out of faith, and out of pure curiosity to see the outcome of His workings. Because I know He is good, and as a friend reminded me this week, even though we want out, the end result of waiting is often sweeter than our immediate out. 

The folly of not waiting for God is that we forfeit the blessing of having God work for us. - John Piper

I watched two documentaries on Sunday afternoon about North Korea and how awful/crazy/scary it is over there, and well, it got me thinking about all the documentaries I have watched over the years and thought everyone should see. So, I am going to make a list. I will still be your friend if you never watch these, however, I think you should and you will not regret it.

1. Autism the Musical -One of the most touching documentaries I have ever seen is Autism the Musical. You can check it out here. It’s the story of a woman who starts a theater troop for children on the Autism spectrum and it is amazing. Tears, people, tears.

2. Grizzly Man -One of the most interesting films documenting the ridiculous of some people is Grizzly Man. It chronicles this guy who moves to Alaska to commune with the bears. He thinks they love him and are family, until the bears eat him. Yep. Make sure you pay special attention when he cries about the drought that is happening. “We need more rain. Tabitha’s eating her babies!!!” Watch it.

3.March of the Penguins- It’s about penguins and their reproductive process. It’s really interesting, plus Morgan Freeman narrates, which makes it all the more dramatic. Plus, penguins are cute and fun and stuff.

4.King Corn- If you have ever wondered what all that high fructose corn syrup is doing to you, watch this and learn. If you haven’t wondered and don’t want to know, just skip this one. It’s for those who want to be informed, and it’s interesting. 

5.Spirit of the Marathon- It’s about people training for the Chicago marathon. It has pro-athletes, international runners, grandmas and grandpas who run, and it will make you want to run a marathon. It inspired me, that and my odd desire to win.

6.Deliver Us From Evil- This documentaries is about Father Oliver O’Grady who reportedly molested 25 or more children while serving in the church. It is an interesting look at the Catholic church scandal, and it is also a look at how sexual abuse affects children. It enraged me, and caused me to pray and weep for children all over the world who are being exploited.

7.Mole People: Life in the Tunnels Beneath New York- This movie is nuts. There are all these people who live underground in NYC, in this town-like thing. It is crazy!

8. The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia-  What do you get when you cross family feuds, alcohol, and tap-dancing? The Whites of West Virginia. This family is crazy and entertaining and sad all at once.

9.The Business of Being Born- This is an interesting look at birthing, birthing centers, doulas, mid-wives, and regular old having a kid. Of course, you could just ask a pregnant lady in Denton about birth and get the same information.

10. Jesus Camp- This is about this camp run by this totally nuts lady who thinks she can teach kids to speak in tongues. It’s pretty much a movie about Christians who are crazy and why people think we are all crazy. 

So, those are my top ten. But, if you only see one of these…please make it Autism the Musical. It’s so interesting and a great look at life on the Autism spectrum. 

Okay, so it’s New Year’s Eve, and…

So, to capitalize on this surely fleeting feeling, I will now list my New Year’s resolutions and things I hope to accomplish in 2012.

1. I resolve to take my vitamins and supplements everyday. Okay, let’s be realistic here, at least 5 days a week. I forget.

2. I resolve to fix my hair at least two times a week. This means blow-dry, curl, or straighten, not just put in a ponytail.

3. I resolve to drink more water. Oh, who am I kidding? I won’t do this. Delete, delete.

4. I resolve to air up my tires and ride my bike every so often. Vague timeline, huh? Every so often…

5. I resolve to at least begin the process of going back to school to get my Master’s in Counseling, Play Therapy, or Awesomeness. 

6. I resolve to read “Little Women” and “Emma”. Because I like these books and I have not read them in quite sometime. Plus they are free for my Kindle.

7. I resolve to write more in my journal. Because as painful as these times are, I know one day I will want to remember them, even if it is only to write my tell-all book that will make me rich. Or just to see what God did, either one. 

8. I resolve to dance more.

9. I resolve to wear sunglasses on a more regular basis in order to protect my eyes and prevent wrinkles. 

10. I resolve to attempt to speak kind words and in a kind tone to others. Especially when frustrated. Usually I can speak kindly unless I am frustrated, then it all hits the fan.

My hope and prayer for the next year is that I will learn to trust that God really does love me and that my heart will finally begin to believe that God is not out to punish me or test me or make sure I measure up before things go right. My hope is that I continue to see growth in the area of eating and exercise, as well as a continual commitment to recovery. My hope is that I get to spend time with my nephews and see them grow, that they learn even more of the things of God in 2012. My prayer is that the city of Danli, Honduras will continue to be reached with the gospel and that Ruth and Arturo will be blessed immensely. My hope is that friendships will deepen this year. My prayer is for restoration, reconciliation, and a healing in whatever capacity God sees fit, and that my heart will remain patient with Him as I wait on His timing. My hope is that I get to spend more time with my sisters and brother and that the work God has done in those relationships this year will continue to flourish and grow. 

So, I hope for 2012 because I cannot give up hope. I have hope not in my circumstances, or my money, or my church, or my family, but in God. God is always good and I am always loved and He is my hope. 

I saw this today and thought it was, well, perfect for me.